CONNECTION WITH OTHERS OUR FOUR CHARACTERS IN ROMANTIC RELATIONSHIPS
We humans are social creatures, yet for many of us, creating healthy relationships is probably our greatest challenge. No matter how tolerant we may be of our own unique behaviors, living with someone else’s oddities adds a whole new dimension of challenge. In this chapter we will focus on how the Four Characters behave in romantic relationships. Considering how consistent and predictable each of the characters is, it should then be relatively easy to extrapolate how each of the Four Characters would behave in emotional relationships with others, including friends and family.
Obviously it would be impossible for this chapter to be all-inclusive of the many varied ways in which the Four Characters might engage with one another. However, I hope it will shed a little light on what each of the characters find attractive in a partner, how they predictably choose to present themselves, what they need and value, and what they are looking for in the long run.
Gaining these insights into what appeals to the Four Characters in relationship should help you identify some of your own strengths and patterns, as well as help you better understand how different parts of yourself contribute to those relationships that may fall short of feeding your spirit in a healthy way. Fortunately we humans are capable of growth, and knowing what your options are for how you engage your Four Characters with others should be illuminating.
We are each the home to all Four Characters, and when we are in relationship with one another, most of us will dance in and out of our different characters in predictable ways, both positive and negative. It is completely normal for us to shift our dominant character under different circumstances, and paying attention to our own tendencies is the key to both predicting our future actions and modifying our behavior, should we decide to do so. We do not have to repeat old patterns, and we do not have to engage in relationship-sabotaging behavior.
PATTERNS IN PARTNERSHIP
If you have had much experience with dating, you have probably dated each of the Four Characters at some point. Based on current statistics, you have possibly married and divorced one or two as well. In this chapter, as we examine some of the predictable dynamics and patterns of each of the Four Characters, you will hopefully recognize some of your own behavior, as well as that of those you have been involved with.
In the beginning of a new love connection, we often feel elation when someone finds us worthy of being loved. We validate each other and share a hope that we might not need to tackle the highs and lows of life alone. But what we thought might be a good match at the onset of a commitment often sours with time and life experiences. At the end of a relationship, it is important to understand what happened, and why the coupling failed, so we can be more aware of our own patterns and perhaps choose to do things differently next time.
Dating through technology using platforms like Match, Bumble, OurTime, and others has made it easy for us to meet a lot of people in a short amount of time. Thinking about your Four Characters and how you relate to others in intimate relationships may help you identify more quickly when you might want to invest your time versus when you might simply want to say, “Thanks for stopping by.”
If you are interested in this topic of love and the brain and would like another perspective, I am a big fan of the work of Dr. Helen Fisher. If you study her material, you will find that there is a lot of overlap in how she and I view the subject of love as it relates to the anatomy of the brain, what is going on, and who might be attracted to whom. I’m a believer that when it comes to finding a true connection, our brains and values matter.
It has long been said that opposites attract, and when we look closely at couples in love relationships, it is not unusual for one person to be more left-brain dominant and the other person more right-brain dominant. On these occasions, the pairing makes up a whole brain, and more often than not their interests, contributions, and chores fall along predictable lines. These couples often become dependent on their partner instead of developing their own opposite skills. Hopefully the insights in this chapter will help right-brain/left-brain couples avoid the trap of becoming dependent on each other and minimizing their own growth.
In addition, although opposites may attract at the beginning of a relationship, it is often those cute little quirks we originally found to be so adorable that later deplete our patience and grate on our nerves. I hope the insights here will smooth your path and contribute positively to your overall understanding of your own relationship experiences, past, present, and future.
Please note that as I move through this chapter, I will talk about each of the characters as though they are a specific type of person. But rest assured: I do not mean to imply that any of us is only a single character when it comes to our relationships, or any other avenue in our lives. In addition, each of our Four Characters has a right to show up and express themselves in whatever way they see fit, and it is not my intention to either undermine or undervalue any of their wants or needs.
CHARACTER 1
Imagine what it might be like to be in an emotional relationship with a Character 1. By definition this character values thinking over feeling. Character 1s may be good at providing external conveniences for living, which for some might be enough, but keeping a Character 1 focused on a passionate and loving relationship may be a challenge at times and require ongoing negotiation.
Character 1s enjoy a good spreadsheet, even when it comes to charting their life events and personal timetable. They have a preconceived notion of how their life should look at different stages, and sticking to the details and schedule is important. Character 1s need to define the edges of their relationship so they can both confine the risk and share with their friends and family how accurately the relationship’s timeline is progressing.
As a result, the Character 1 will push to define the exact status: Are we casually dating, seriously dating, are we being exclusive, are we friends with benefits? Or are we headed toward a committed relationship, engagement, and marriage, and if so, when might that be? Character 1s are eager to put the relationship in a box and define it by asking these questions: “Who do you need me to be? Do you need me to be your protector? Do you need me to rescue you? Do you need me to be your playmate, or your breadwinner? Do you need me to be sexual with you, or co-parent with you?”
Foreseeably, Character 1s feel safe inside a predictable structure, so when a Character 1 plans an initial date, there will be a set place, program, and committed block of time. Character 1s pay very close attention to the details of how they look and smell, and they will consciously put their best self forward. Character 1s see the date as having a goal: to impress and be impressed by the other. Time has value, so the date might look a bit more like an interview for a position rather than a simple chance to hang out.
Developing something of value is important to the Character 1, so they are looking for a long-term partner they can build a life with. Although a Character 1 may date a right-brain Character 3 or 4 because they are intrigued by the excitement they may feel when they are around them,
Character 1s tend to feel most comfortable and safe with the predictability of other left-brain Characters 1 and 2.
In relationship, Character 1s are comfortable with other Character 1s because, like themselves, they find other Character 1s both dependable and predictable. Two alpha Character 1s in relationship, however, must be willing to negotiate their domains of control, as alphas by definition have a mind of their own, and each needs to exercise their competency. Although Character 1s value the Character 1 skill set in another, especially in the more cooperative Soft Character 1, they may find themselves in relationship with a Character 2, who would prefer to step aside and encourage the Character 1 to take the lead.
A Character 1 dates a Character 2 by coming in with a plan, which often involves rescuing that Character 2 from a world marked by high stress and extreme levels of anxiety. The Character 1 dates a Character 2 by using its Character 1 skills of organization, confidence, strength, and endurance to help make life more predictable for the Character 2. When a Character 1 comes in and uses its authority to take control, smooth things over, and make life easier for the Character 2, the Character 2 feels protected, safe, and cared for.
CHARACTER 2
Character 2s prefer the alpha Character 1 as a long-term partner because Character 1s are predictable, dependable, and helpful. Symbiotically, Character 1s feel competent in helping others, they are good at providing for and organizing others, and they thrive when in control of the relationship. In these ways left-brain Character 1s and 2s fulfill their definition of a safe match.
Character 2s may also find common ground and comfort in the company of other Character 2s, as they often share the same trepidation that the world is a fundamentally unsafe place that is filled with emotional predators. When a Character 2 exists in a steady state of adrenal drain that can leave them feeling emotionally dull, their default emotions become distrust and fear. Both of our left-brain Characters 1 and 2 run an emotional storyline that is a zero-sum game, meaning that only one player can win when causing someone else to lose. Characters 1 and 2 keep an ongoing scorecard and always know who’s one up.
Seeing life as a hard bargain, two Character 2s may emotionally pair up with one another in a you and me against the world victim mentality. However, this does not imply that they are happy together or that they truly like one another. Although a pair of Character 2s may moan about how unfair life is to one another—as well as to anyone else who will listen— over time their unabashed hostility tends to get the better of them. Even when they are out in public, a couple of Character 2s may loudly bully, dominate, or criticize one another and then have absolutely no idea why friends, family, or even strangers tend to avoid interacting with them.
Every once in a blue moon, a left-brain Character 1 or 2 might find themselves attracted to the excitement of a right-brain Character 3. But while left-brain Characters 1 and 2 thrive when the boundaries of an emotional relationship are well defined, the last thing a right-brain Character 3 wants is to feel boxed in. In fact, the need of the left-brain characters to define the relationship may be exactly what drives the Character 3 away. Character 3s just want to let the relationship play itself out and unfold at its own pace over time.
CHARACTER 3
Pushing the societal norm, right-brain Character 3s may run wild and sow their oats relatively late into their 30s. Although they may commit for a long weekend in the south of France, monogamy and those words “Till death do us part” feel more like a death sentence than a happy life commitment. After years of noncommitted free-spirit and indiscriminate dating, the Character 3 player may engage in serial monogamous relationships. But getting a Character 3 down the aisle and having them choose to stay faithful may prove to be a fight against nature.
Right-brain Character 3s are thrilled by high-energy dates because they thrive on the adrenaline rush. Character 3s are innovative and creative, so they are drawn toward variety rather than predictability, and possibility over probability. A Character 1 may find a date with a Character 3 to be really exciting, enticing, and adventurous, and it may make them feel alive, but because there is so much risk in dating the adrenaline junkie, after a little while the Character 1 may feel wrung out and desperate for something that feels more safe and tame. A Character 1 can be caught up in the rush of a Character 3, but once they become fatigued, the Character 1 might choose to go back to the predictability of a Character 1 or 2.
A Relationship Gone Bad
Here is an example of a Character 3 relationship gone bad. Character 1s are committed to reeling in their emotions, while Character 3s are all about the stimulation of the experience. Eventually the Character 1 will react to the intensity of the Character 3’s recklessness with fear and respond by shifting into their emotional Character 2.
A strong Character 1 who regresses into their emotional Character 2 out of fear typically feels unsettled and becomes desperate to retreat. They do this by pumping the brakes on the relationship, thus creating space so they can return to feeling the safety of their Character 1. When a strong
Character 1 shifts into their fear-based Character 2, it is not pretty, as they become controlling, hostile, and hyper-judgmental.
The once carefree and playful Character 3 perceives the withdrawal of their beloved Character 1 as a threat to the relationship, and they either remain a strong Character 3 and walk away or they, too, shift into their fearbased Character 2. The Character 3, who is now a defensive Character 2, fights for the fantasized relationship with a new storyline that reassures the Character 1 that the relationship is worth saving. If the Character 1 buys that argument and deems the relationship as necessary for their own wellbeing, that person’s Character 2 is placing the relationship above their primary identity as a strong Character 1, and emotional pain will prevail.
The same is true for the Character 3. When a strong Character 3 values the relationship as necessary for their own emotional well-being, their Character 2 is placing the relationship above their own primary identity as a Character 3, and emotional pain will prevail.
At this point the relationship that began with a Character 1 and a happygo-lucky Character 3 having fun has now shifted into an adversarial and codependent Character-2-versus-Character-2 standoff. What started as an intriguing and exciting relationship between two strong and healthy characters has shifted into a relationship that is now steeped in pain and fear, and with that come jealousy, envy, and discontent.
For the strong Character 1, who is now operating in the relationship as an emotionally dependent Character 2, there are two options. The Character 1 can reclaim its power, retreat, close the door, and save its own identity and sanity or it can remain in the relationship as a fear-based Character 2 and, feeling controlled by its own neediness, be miserable.
Because the Character 1 functions in the mindset that walking away is quitting, and winners never quit and quitters never win, a Character 1 may close the door on the relationship temporarily but not actually let go of the handle and permanently walk away. The emotional pain and suffering of the relationship over time becomes a predictable cycle when the Character 1’s emotional Character 2 feels an urgent need to right the ship and reconnect. At this point when the Character 1 concedes and its Character 2 reopens the door to the relationship, it does so at the expense of its own integrity.
To Thyself Be True
No matter which character the Character 1 is in relationship with, once it moves into its emotional Character 2, it can either end the relationship and move back to its true self as a strong Character 1 or continue the relationship as an unhappy Character 2. Here are some of the excuses a Character 1 may use to stay in an unhealthy and compromising relationship:
I don’t want to hurt them.
I am all they have.
We are really good together.
Everyone thinks we are perfect together.
It was perfect at first.
They aren’t that bad.
I just need to do more.
It will change as soon as . . .
There is nothing better out there.
The devil you know is better than the one you don’t.
The lesson here is that the minute any of our characters go against their true self and shift into their reactive and defensive Character 2 to hold on to a relationship, they lay the first brick in the wall of separation. This wall rises higher when they assign another person, place, or thing their power, and their level of resentment will be equal to the amount of power they have handed over to the other.
Once a Character 1, 3, or 4 has been dragged into the emotional pain of their Character 2, they do not stand a chance of happiness until they shift back into their primary character. Two Character 2s in dispute will never agree or find long-term peace. It is impossible. Someone must be willing to lay down their pain and shift out of their Character 2 before they can offer an olive branch for open communication, apology, negotiation, or peace.
Once one of the Character 2s who are in conflict has stepped back into their Character 1, 3, or 4, the other Character 2 will either hold on to their hostility and relentlessly chew on that bone or they, too, will let it go. If a relationship ends while someone is still grasping on to the pain of their Character 2, they may hold that grudge for decades and instantly become a Character 2 every time they are reminded about that person. For true healing to occur at the end of a relationship, both people need to step back into their primary character and allow the relationship to end on a note of kindness, forgiveness, and gratitude.
Our potential for growth as whole-brain people resides in our ability to shift out of the fear and pain of our emotional Character 2 and back into our primary Character 1, 3, or 4. But before we can make that shift, we must be able to recognize when we have been hijacked by our Character 2 in the first place. Learning how to rescue ourselves when our Character 2 comes online to fight, flee, or freeze is probably the most important skill any of us will ever learn.
If you happen to be a strong Character 2 as your primary character, you may pursue a relationship with a Character 1 because they feel predictable and safe. A primary Character 2 may choose to date a Character 3 for excitement and lighthearted fun, but it won’t take long for the Character 3 to move on. A primary Character 2 might find the present-minded nature of a Character 4 an attractive option because they bring with them a sense that all is right in the world. In response, an openhearted Character 4 may reach back to a Character 2 with compassion and empathy.
The travesty for the default Character 2, however, is the realization that there is no relationship—or any other external factor, including drugs, alcohol, or other addictions—that can maintain their internal experience of peace. Whenever our Character 2 assigns its ability to experience happiness to people or other external factors, we dive deeply into a codependent relationship with those sources. No matter who I am, I cannot make you happy, sad, or even mad. We each generate our own emotions, and we are each responsible for what circuitry we run in our brain.
CHARACTER 4
A true Character 4, on the other hand, is an emotionally stable force that we all have deep inside. This character brings love to the world, and when Character 4s are attracted to someone and interested in pursuing an emotional relationship, as long as they can maintain their integrity, they act on the attraction. Character 4s observe life and relationships from the bigpicture perspective, and they care about the energy that the relationship brings to them and the other. The Character 4 will ask the question, “Is this a relationship that is life giving or does it energetically drain me?”
Character 4s see beauty in everything, and even as they commit their hearts they remain invincible to the foibles of others. Character 4s value the order and organizational skills of the Character 1, while the Character 1 yearns to feel those fleeting moments of deep inner grace. Character 4s may be fascinated by the thinking prowess of a Character 1 and appreciate their mastery of details. However, unless the Character 1 is able to shift into the present moment and embody their Character 3 or 4 at least part of the time, a strong Character 4 will become bored and feel that the relationship is emotionally void of true connection.
In relationship, the Character 1 will ask the Character 4, “What do you need me to do?” and the Character 4 will respond by saying, “I need you to simply be.” The Character 1, of course, will retort by saying, “I don’t know how to be, I only know how to do. But I love you, so I will try my best.” At this point the Character 1 stops the hustle of doing and begins the hustle of being. The Character 4 holds hope that a true connection will be felt by both, because it believes that the Character 1 can and will succeed if they are willing to give the process a chance and not simply be in a huge hurry to attain the end goal.
The Character 4 is secure in the knowledge that we are perfect, whole, and beautiful no matter who we are or how much money we have. The Character 4 will bring its open and loving heart to any relationship it engages in, but any left-brain character that brings its judgment, criticism, and unfulfilled expectations to the Character 4 should expect the Character 4 to shake their head and walk away.
No matter how much a left-brain Character 1 or 2 may shower a rightbrain Character 4 with words of love or material gifts, the Character 4 will not feel loved until their partner becomes present with them. If the Character 4 finds itself stuck in an unhealthy relationship, they may choose to shift into their Character 1 or 3 in an attempt to feel more compatible, or they may shift into their despondent Character 2 and feel lonely. Sadly, it is all too common for us to compromise the peaceful nature of our Character 4 in order to be in relationship with others.
A Character 4 who is dating a Character 2 will be emotionally supportive of that Character 2 while insisting that the Character 2 take some responsibility for their emotional upheaval. The Character 4 will role-model a contented life that spirals with deep meaning and endless possibility, but a Character 2 can only participate in that level of bliss for a little while. Eventually the Character 2 will instinctively push away from the Character 4 to protect its internal story of the zero-sum game, where happiness only comes at a cost. To the Character 2, the big-picture, big-as-the-universe thinking of the Character 4 comes across as Pollyannaish, and for the Character 2, that level of peace is ultimately unobtainable no matter what they do.
THE MORAL OF THE STORY
If your primary Character 1, 3, or 4 has been hijacked by your Character 2 when it comes to the demands of a relationship, how do you find your way back into your healthier self? Sometimes recovering an unhappy relationship is the right answer, especially if you have two mature people who are willing to stand in the fire of their own pride, shift out of their pain, and then step back into their wholeness. However, when either of the participants is not willing to take responsibility for their Character 2, walking away and choosing one’s own mental health and happiness over the relationship might be the best option.
Our potential for growth as whole-brain people resides completely in our ability to shift out of our Character 2, and we can train our healthy characters to recognize when we have been hijacked. If you find yourself in a relationship where you are not able to reclaim the position of your healthy character after you have moved into the pain of your Character 2, please go back to the chapter on the Brain Huddle. Peace really is just a thought away, and we do have the power to save ourselves when our Character 2 comes online. Practicing the huddle directly strengthens the circuitry in our brain that allows us to recover more quickly.
Now that we have explored how our Four Characters connect with our body, as well as how they connect in romantic relationship with others, let’s shine a light on what happens when our brain breaks down in its ability to connect at all and how our Four Characters might strategize a successful recovery.